Dear Tracy, 

It’s #mommymusemonday! 

This week, I’d like to talk about the wife of one of my dad’s mentors and father figure: Susie. 

A quiet warrior in this life, one would never suspect the battles she has faced. An Army wife, a mother to a genuine confirmed Catholic miracle, and a friend to all…she inspires me every single day. 

Susie, regardless of her height, is like an oak tree who invites all she loves to rest in her shade, in her love.

Her son came home one day with my father and opened her heart to that gangly kid and loved him like her own. A love I knew how to give your sons, Tracy, because she led me by example.

My extended family has a tendency to play favorites. It should come as no surprise that I was not the favorite, but it wasn’t something I could understand the ‘why’ of growing up. You don’t think kids will notice, but we do. And we see you when you turn around and treat our children the same way. I have always felt that lack of love, but I do not feel its loss because of Susie. 

Susie opened her arms and loved me. 

Just loved me without conditions and without expectations. Just loved me with so much pure love. Her heart taught mine that family isn’t biological. It’s love. 

And then 30 years later turned around and loved my son just as deeply so he will never feel that loss either. I’m sobbing as I write this, because I feel as if I’m failing to note how important this woman is to me. How fundamentally important she is to the woman I am now. Her love has been a constant anchor in my life that has often felt so turbulent. Her front porch a welcoming sanctuary away from those who didn’t understand a bookish teenager with braces. Her kitchen an endless fountain of empathy and sweet ice tea. Her arms, her home, her heart has always been open and taught me by example to keep mine open as well. 

Army wife to Army wife, she empathizes with the trials of being alone for months at a time. What it means to teach your son to be a good man when your husband is away defending our country and freedoms. What it means to eat dinner alone. What it means to seek grace and gratitude in the washing of a dish after feeding your family together after months apart.  

So, this week…I’d like to recognize and thank my dear friend for her continuity and love that was born the day I was. I love you, Susie. Thank you.

Love,

Jess

Dear Tracy,

Do you remember your first mother’s day? I do. 

IT WAS AWFUL. 

The husband slept in and when he rolled out of bed, he shortly after rolled out the door to spend three hours in the gym with a buddy. Yes. That actually happened. Yes. I’m still married to him. 

I don’t know about you, but I did not marry my husband for his psychic abilities. Without laying out my expectations, but still having set a standard…I was doomed to disappointment. (And not just for Mother’s Day.)

Lay Out Expectations

I love my husband, but one our biggest issues come when I set a standard without discussing it with him and then get upset when I’m inevitably disappointed. We have differing opinions on what is common knowledge or what should be common sense. I’m not always right… However, when I very clearly state what my expectations are? He meets them and often exceeds them. Your partner wants you to be happy, but may need your help in achieving that. 

You want a card? You want a gift? You want breakfast in bed? You want to be alone in the house for four hours while you parade around in heels rocking out to explicit lyrics? (No? Just me? That’s fine…because “these is bloooody shoes”) Then, you’re going to have to say so. 

My first mother’s day, I listed my expectations after the fact. 

Incredulous (and let’s be honest: absolutely furious) that he was leaving the house to go to the gym for three hours that first mother’s day, I burst out into tears. And…then? Eviscerated him with words. How could you care so little about the fact that I endured a difficult pregnancy and went through intense induced labor to bring your son, your legacy, into this world?! You sleep in every weekend without a thought to me! I haven’t showered in three days! The one day…THE ONE DAY…I should be allowed to sleep in our son has been up since 0500 with me! And so on and so on forth until he left the house. Not a great Mother’s Day. 

Coming back…he brought a friend home that I was expected to cook lunch for and dashed into the back of our house leaving me to entertain our guest. Several minutes later, my husband emerged feeling triumphant with a birthday card he hastily scribbled into and a coach purse that I had been wanting but felt was too much of a splurge. A grand gesture, and one that I carry nearly every day in the summer. 

But, he needed me to spell it out. So?

Dear Tracy,

Last night, another mother I know sent me a message that simply said: “You’re my Mom Goals. If I can be a quarter of the Valiant Mom you are, then I’d call myself a success”.

And all I could think was this: If only you knew. 

If only you knew that today I literally forgot to brush my teeth all day and that last week I didn’t brush my hair for three days because I kept tossing it up into a bun. If only you knew that I had my son completely potty trained and then my husband went away last summer on military orders. Which means my son backtracked completely to square one and only five months later are we mostly back on track. If only you knew that there are days I don’t want to be a mom and I’ve run all out of…we’ll call it motivation. If only you knew that my kitchen, no let’s be honest, my house needs organized like…now, and that is only the literal tip of a figurative iceberg.

So, here is what I have to say to every momma…

 Dear Tracy,

What do you do when you’re out of…you know…that? Motivation? Caring? That.

We’re moms. The strongest language we use ends up sounding like a fairy unicorn fell down in briar patch of glitter infested glow bugs. Or, the classic “Captain America!” when you stub your toe. No? Just me? Ah well, maybe it’ll catch on. It’s so Fetch. 

Take a Day Off

What?! No, really. Take a day off of chores. Plan a day of your week to only focus on being present. 

Mondays are my days off. I don’t cook. I don’t do laundry. I don’t clean. I’m a mom, so I still have to be the mom and do all the mom stuffs, but I skip being everything else. The husband eats leftovers, the tiny human complains his purple shirt is dirty, and I don’t give a care. Yeah…caaaaaare. Guess what? Still ain’t doing it. The tiny human is still dressed, still went to preschool, still came home to good meals and a fun day but I didn’t do the laundry. My husband comes home right around when bedtime starts, so he has leftovers and the responsibility to take the trash to the curb. The dishes can wait, the floors will be swept tomorrow, and I will be present in the moment all day and not worry about anything other than enjoying these days of littleness with my son. 

Dear Tracy,

Am I the only one overwhelmed by all of the candy during the holidays? 

Having a tiny human with food allergies means that David can basically have nothing holiday themed from the grocery store. Everything contains traces of the things that can send my child into anaphylactic shock, which means out of necessity our baskets are candy free. So, here are some ideas I’ve used and plan to use in the future to celebrate Easter.