Dear Jess,
Your last post, “If You Only Knew…”, really resonated with me. I’ve always struggled with fitting in or being “normal”. That feeling amplified after becoming a mom and seeing people’s social media posts about their kids. It became a subconscious competition. I put all this pressure on myself and my kids to accomplish so much more than we needed to because I was basing “normal” on everyone else’s best hits.
That’s why I challenge the concept of Mommy Goals and strive to think in terms of Mommy Muses instead.
To me, the term Mommy Goal is tethered to an end objective. I’ve played my comparison game in my head of what this other person is doing better than me and now I’m going to bust my butt model myself after them. To some degree it can be motivating but most of the time, I end up feeling more drained because what works for someone else may not work for our family. Then, there’s the reminder of not meeting that goal every time you log into Facebook and there’s someone else easily achieving what you were hoping to accomplish– an adorable photoshoot, a sweet outing with the kids, or some cute Pinterest-y projects, to name a few. “Oh yeah,” I say to myself, “I was supposed to work on that and I completely dropped the ball.” Enter mommy guilt and this toxic mindset to put all these other people on pedestals and myself on the ground floor looking up.
In comparison, a Mommy Muse is someone you take inspiration from. Where you admire an aspect (or several) of how they parent and try to incorporate that into your parenting arsenal as well. There is no end goal and no deadline to finally become this perfect idea of what a mom should be. One day our inspiration can come from a celebrity we follow on Twitter. The next week we could try to model ourselves off of something our best friend did. It can even be a friend accomplishing something she’s been working hard at, like potty training her kiddo, and that infectious positive vibe motivating you to work harder at your own goals.
We all are the best moms to our kids. We know their personalities, their ticks, their aversions, their obsessions. No one can parent your kid better than you—so let’s put ourselves on a pedestal first and look at the strengths of other moms around us to lift us up higher in areas where we don’t necessarily have a lot of experience in.
I know the term Muse vs. Goal may not seem like a big difference, but to me the semantics of putting myself first is empowering and helps ease the guilt I have on the days when I’m stress paralyzed and plop my toddler in front of a screen for more hours than I should.
So here are my Mommy Muses in my life in no particular order:
Muse of Inclusion
Of course you’re one of my Muses, Jess! You are so great at including other people into your thoughts and daily tasks. Whether that is a first time, single mom who sounds like she needs a break so you offer her home cooked meal, or a random text to me in the middle of the night letting me know that I’m doing a good job at this whole mom-ing thing. You fill up other people with positivity so that they can tackle their day as their best selves.
Muse of Compassion
This next muse is the OG—my mom. I think I turned out pretty okay so it’s only fitting that I use some of my mom’s traits and apply it to my own parenting. The main one being compassion. Compassion in a sense of being patient with my toddler instead of flying off the handle; and also compassion towards other people by trying to understand that there are two sides to every story. I’m hoping that by being compassionate in front if my kids, they will imitate it in their own lives.
Muse of Affection
I’m not a hugger. I’ll do it, but for the most part I feel pretty awkward the whole time. Enter Samantha, who has no problem showing affection and teaching it to her kids. If her kids are feeling sad or frustrated, they ask to snuggle. Her youngest? Says “I love you” frequently and randomly. It ALWAYS puts a smile on the other person’s face.
My toddler ramped up his whining after his little brother was born. Remembering how Samantha sometimes checked to see if her kids needed some one-on-one snuggle time, I started asking Calvin. Surprisingly, he said yes and then started asking me if we could just sit on the couch together when he was feeling down. He’s also started saying “I love you” at random times. I never thought to teach my son how to be affectionate. I just thought it was instinctual. I’m so glad I had Samantha as my Muse to help me change my perspective.
Muse of Passion
No, not that kind of passion! I mean passion in the sense that this muse goes to work every day and loves teaching. Kristina is a mom to three kids (which in itself is amazing to me) but she also followed her dream of being a science teacher and inspires the kids who sit in her classroom. Having her as one of my Muses motivates me to continue to grow my web design business in my spare time because it’s one of the things that I love to do.
Who are the current Mommy Muses in your life?
Love,
Tracy
