Dear Jess,
Ever since we started this blog, we’ve been posting about self-care, self-love, self-compassion, whatever you want to call it. I just wanted to take a moment to explain why taking time for ourselves as moms so important in my eyes.
My Run in with Post Postpartum Depression
I had my first son in 2014. We were stationed in Fort Stewart when I gave birth. I had just found out I was pregnant when the movers came and we were whisked away to Georgia. By the time we were settled in, I had started to feel the effects of what would be a miserable pregnancy. Let’s just say I was not a fan of the nausea, PUPPS, sciatica, and hauling around a very large baby for my small 5’0″ frame.
How I feel about pregnancy
When he was born, I was so grateful that my parents came down for almost a month to help me get back on my feet. Even with warnings from friends and research I did, nothing prepared me for the recovery period of a C-section. It never clicked to me that while I would have trouble getting out of bed for a few weeks, I would also be taking care of this tiny human that completely relied on me to survive. Chalk it up to mommy brain, denial, or just plain lapse of judgement– having a baby completely blindsided me.
I had an amazing support system that was with me 24/7 and I was still crying every day. I remember one day sitting in my bed, staring at my sleeping newborn and feeling a wave of anxiety wash over me. I saw that his nails needed to be clipped and I sat there calculating how many times in his lifetime I would have to clip his nails. I could feel my anxiety bubble up through my gut as the number kept growing. There was now an entire human being relying on me not to forget the little things– like long nails and I didn’t know if I was capable of remembering everything.
I was so focused on making sure I was feeding, bathing, and putting him to sleep the “proper” way, that I spent more time researching, than trusting my instincts. Instead of learning about my squishy baby by observing and enjoying baby snuggles, I spent my time holding him while looking up sleep patterns.
A few weeks later, my parents were getting ready to leave when I had another panic attack. I wasn’t sure I could do this motherhood thing without support but I also didn’t want to show them that I couldn’t handle it. I was a Mom now, I had a whole new title. I should know how to handle this, right? Millions of women become moms and they just instinctively know how to Mom, right?
I calmly, and confidently confided in my husband about my panic attack. I completely freaked out about how raising our kids so far away from family and a steady home base wasn’t for me and threw him a huge curve ball. Luckily for me, he took it like a champ and agreed to put out some feelers to see if he could find a career outside of the military. He found a great job back in Michigan and that’s when we decided to move.
We settled into our new civilian lives, and I thought I had gotten over my case of the “baby blues”. I filled my time with play dates and storytimes but the person I was pre-baby felt different than the one post-baby. I always felt like I had to think ahead 10 steps and be super serious because I couldn’t afford to slip up. I was super vigilant about hitting the most obscure milestones– like being able to pick up a Cheerio with his fingertips.
I was always on edge at playdates because I was so nervous about how I would seem to the other moms. Was I scolding him too much? Or maybe I’m hovering too much. I always left feeling numb and exhausted from the field day I was doing in my mind.
Fast forward two years and a half years, and I was pregnant again with our second son. I was just starting to feel settled in Michigan when my second trimester started and I started feeling detached from the world and my family. This time, I was determined to meet my emotions head on instead of crying in my room every day after birth.
So for the first time since college, I started going to therapist. And I’ve kept going since I gave birth.
I’ve learned a lot about myself, how to manage my anxieties, and how to acknowledge my self-worth this past year.
My Best is Enough
For my entire life, my self-worth was wrapped up in what others thought of me. Whether they approved of my choices or not and how many people thought I doing a good job. My perfectionist tendencies amplified once I became a mom. In this mom culture of shaming and judgement, it was hard not to feel like I was always on stage, giving my best “Mom” performance.
Once I realized what I was doing, it was easy to see that I was handing over power to all these other people I barely knew.
I will always strive to be a better mom, photographer, web designer, graphic designer, and human being, but to shift where I place my self-worth has been a journey. I want to empower myself by giving myself time to reflect, calm my anxieties, be grateful for my accomplishments and the things I have. Since this is an ongoing journey, I want to share our weekly accomplishments and mindful activities with our Fraternity in the following two ways:
Self-Care Sundays
There are so many ways to care for ourselves. Everyone is different and every day is different. For a while, I relied on the Calm app to quiet my mind at night to get to sleep. Sometimes, I just need 10 minutes and a hot cup of coffee to motivate myself to get the day started. Maybe taking a moment to literally smell the flowers would help me one day. I am always looking for ways to calm my mind and my anxieties. Media portrays self-care and mindfulness as this whole zen experience. Yeah, sometimes if we have time, an hour of yoga is nice but as busy moms, even 15 minutes of free time is hard to come by.
Stop and smell the flowers
That’s why I’m so excited to start #selfcaresundays with you. One day a week, we can share with our Fraternity on Facebook and Instagram, a way we cared for ourselves. In return, I’m hoping our Fraternity will share their experiences with us too. If we crowdsource our ideas for self-care, maybe we will find a new way to care for ourselves that we never thought of before.
Mom Win Wednesdays
As moms, we acknowledge every small milestone our kids hit and celebrate their accomplishments. It’s so easy for us to give compliments to our kids, why is it so hard for us to see ourselves with the same compassion? Instead of looking at our faults, and our unfinished, never-ending to do list, we should share our wins with pride!
Wins can be big or small. The only one who can determine the size of your accomplishment is you. You know your child the best. Maybe they scraped their knee and didn’t shed a tear. For one mom, that may be an every day occurrence, but for another, that may have been an accomplishment months in the making.
I want us to share our #momwinwednesday stories with each other on Facebook and Instagram so we can show some compassion to ourselves and take ownership of our accomplishments.
Love,
Tracy
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