Dear Jess,
Growing up in an Asian household, affection wasn’t given freely, but an abundance of food was. Food was our language. Treating someone to dinner at a restaurant? That’s Food for “I like spending time with you”. Knowing what someone’s favorite dish is and making that for their birthday? That’s Food for “I love you”. Making someone’s favorite food even though you don’t like it one bit? That’s Food for “I’m proud of you”.
When my son was able to eat solid foods, I spoke to my kid in Food by pureeing fruits and veggies and painstakingly squirting it into baby food pouches. He gobbled them up and kept asking for more. I was thrilled that my hard work was accepted and that I was able to nourish his squishy, chubby, little body with custom recipes.
I was killin’ the baby food game!
Then came the toddler years.
Meats, unless they were in the form of a nugget, ball or link, are chewed until it is complete mush and then spit back out. If it’s green, don’t even bother. We only stick to orange veggies– carrots, sweet potatoes, or butternut squash. This kid doesn’t even really like pizza! PIZZA! He eats it upside down, backwards and off of his plate so he only gets the crust and maybe a bit of cheese.
Kiddo eating pizza
I dreaded mealtimes. As soon as he was called down to the table, the whining began. Tears were shed (mostly mine) as I ended up spending an hour trying to feed him a few bites so he wouldn’t wilt into nothingness. I felt completely defeated. My baby who was above average in height and weight throughout his first year had now dropped down to the 25 percentile. Our pediatrician said everything was normal but I couldn’t help but feel like every meal that was rejected without even touching a bite, was personal.
I put a lot of pressure on myself and on the kiddo to eat the food that was put in front of him. I refused to become a “line cook” and only serve what he wanted. As a result, I dreaded dinner time, but I was stubborn and wanted him exposed to things other than “kid food”.
I can’t remember how long this went on. It could’ve been months or maybe even a year—I was delirious by the time I was introduced to a Healthy Eating class through our local Early Learning Center. I was so lucky to have attended this class. Every class had a topic that was introduced and we discussed specific issues we had in a roundtable format. The struggles I had were normalized through discussions with other moms; and even though I had read tons of articles about how to deal with a picky eater, it helped to have other people express these concepts out loud.
It’s been over half a year since I took the class, and while I still sometimes have difficulties practicing the concepts I learned, I feel more in control and effective. Here are some of the lessons I learned and ways I’ve started to teach my kiddo my language of Food:
Division of responsibilities
This is the main lesson I took away from the class. As parents, we decide when, what, and where he eats and he decides if and how much he eats. Feeding him “3 more bites” was a hard habit to break, but sticking to my own responsibilities has kept the pressure off and made mealtimes more enjoyable. I’ve also noticed that my son isn’t a dinner person like I am– breakfast is his jam. He eats a lot in the beginning of the day and as the day progresses, his appetite isn’t as big.
Stay at table until everyone finishes
I implemented this rule after noticing he was pretending to be sleepy to get out of eating. There isn’t pressure to eat while he sits at the table but I always remind him that it will be less boring if he eats while he waits. This also gives us a chance to talk to each other at the kitchen table so he can learn that mealtimes aren’t just about eating.
Family style dinners
Like any toddler, his issue with control and having choices leaks into meal times. I used to fill his plate up with things I wanted him to eat, but now I let him scoop what he wants to eat onto an empty plate with the pretense that he only scoop what he is willing to finish.
One thing at the table that he will eat
Along with family-style meals, I always have something that he will eat as backup or as part of a dish. Kiddo loves eggs so if I make fried rice, I make sure I add extra eggs because I know chicken isn’t his protein of choice. If there’s only one dish that I’m making that I know he probably won’t like, like tacos, I have a backup on hand that is somewhat related to what we’re eating. So when he doesn’t want the tacos I made, I make him a quesadilla. He’s still eating the ingredients I’ve used for tacos, it’s just in a different format.
Talking about food
“Is this squishy or crunchy?” “What color is this?” “What do you/don’t you like about this dish?” Asking him specific questions about the food in front of him increases the chance he’ll actually try it. He voluntarily took a bite out of a red pepper the other day after we talked about if it was crunchy or squishy.
Making food fun
We don’t have a ton of food toys, but our library does. He was playing at the “grocery store” and picked up a plum. He had never had a plum before so I talked to him about how it was a fruit and what color it was. Then we went to the actual grocery store and picked some up to eat. He didn’t like it but he tried it without whining. SCORE!
I’ve also had him help me in the kitchen more buy whisking eggs, washing produce, and cutting up bananas with a butter knife. When I do end up in the grocery store with him (and not using a grocery pickup service for kid-free time), I have him pick out a fruit or vegetable he would like to try.
Dessert
I knew tying a food reward to finishing his dinner was not a great association to teach, but I was desperate. Bribes were the only way I could get him to eat. But now if he gets a cookie or cake, he gets it at random times in the day. Or if it’s after dinner, I’ve cut out the conversation about him getting the cookie because of any behavior that he did. This one is still hard to implement for me, but I’m working on it. It’s my goal that if I want to reward him for trying a certain food, to remember to reward him with playtime or a stamp/sticker instead of dessert.
They say it takes exposure to food 15 times before a toddler is used to it. Does he always try the things I put in front of him? No. Is mealtime always a breeze now? Nope. But do we have anxiety about mealtimes anymore? Nope Only 10% of the time, and that’s a huge win in my book.
Overall, I’m playing the long game and hopefully teaching him to have a healthy relationship with food.
What are your tips and tricks to deal with a picky eater?
Love,
Tracy
