Dear Tracy,
You know how in baseball when the pitcher has been throwing aces all inning long but starts to slow down a bit? Yeah, me neither, but it turns out there’s a position called a relief pitcher. Someone to come in and get the job done when you just…can’t. Sometimes? I can’t. For all intents and purposes, I’m a happily married single mother. I’m hardly the only one I know. Husbands who are pilots, students, military service members, work swing/night shift, merchant marines, or who just travel a lot for business and simply aren’t available to be the relief pitcher when their wives are worn down from inning after inning of parenting.
Sometimes, it’s too much and with no end in sight, it can feel lonely and disheartening. Which is when I reached out to you asking if you’d like to do something crazy: start a community of mothers. I know! It was either that or continue researching how to rent a tiny little fjiord-side cottage in Norway, but I’m really glad you fell for Plan A.
When being the primary (and usually only) caregiver becomes too much, I enlist the help of others. If you’ve felt as if it’s all to much, or considered running away to Norway, check out the list below and see if any of these might help you too.
Check out your local YMCA
Let’s be honest, it’s usually the only gym in a town that has childcare. That being said, the ladies who work at my local gym are wonderful, warm, and giving souls who absolutely scoop up any child into their arms and love them without reservation. It’s going to be a transition, brace yourself for the tears. You are still a good mother. It is okay. David was 18 months when I joined and cried every time three times a week for two solid months. One of the mothers working at my play-care has older children and just opened her arms to my sobbing child basking in the cuddles my kid gave her seeking comfort in her arms. And one day, I dropped him off and my son turned to wave good bye with a giggle before running off to happily play. At first it was just 20 minutes, but a solid two years later he’s in there a solid 90 minutes. Do I work out? Sure. I also bring a book or some knitting. As long as I’m in the building, they’ll watch my kid for two hours.
This summer, I’m sending the tiny human off to summer camp for the second year in a row. 9am to noon. He’ll have a blast, just like he did last year, and I’ll get a chance to…be me without being Mom.
My local YMCA offers Parents Day/Night Out a couple Saturdays a month where you drop your kid off for four hours. The kids swim for nearly half that time, eat a meal you pack, watch a movie, do activities, and generally have a lot of fun. In fact, I’ll be dropping off the tiny human this Saturday. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself. Maybe go the movie theatre for the first time a little over four years?
Preschool
It’s not for every family, but it is for my family. I found a small local co-op nonprofit play based nut free school. Yeah, a lot of words to describe a preschool in one sentence, don’t think that I don’t already know it; but, it works for my family. Three times a week, I drop the kid off for 2.5 hours and occasionally volunteer as the teacher’s assistant. It isn’t academically rigorous, the kids are 2-3, but it’s teaching socialization, how to sit down for circle time, getting kiddos ready for writing with hand exercises used in guided play, he has fun morning with a wonderful teacher and most importantly: it gives me time to write. Which leads directly to my next piece of advice…
Select an Activity Outside of the House
For me, writing is important. If I haven’t sat down and written -anything- in an extended period of time it feels as if my soul is suffocating and I’m losing myself in the role of being a mother. I start to feel like a martyred Cinderella stuck in a Victorian gothic novel where there is no ball…ever. Just laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and parenting a three year old. So, during preschool I camp out at a coffee shop and write.
What is it that is important to you? What restores your being? Is it knit night with a knit group? Bowling league? Roller Derby? Swimming laps like an Olympian? Reading nonfiction? Writing a novel? Pottery classes? Photography? Going to art museums? Whatever it is, that’s what you need to make time for. As nice as it is sitting down with a glass of wine and trashy tv, do you feel recharged after that or (like me) did you spend that time also folding laundry with a quick break to start the dishwasher or maybe mop the floor? #truestory
Build a Village/Hire Babysitters
If you can, ask family members for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
Trade babysitting with mothers you trust.
And if you find a unicorn (aka an amazing babysitter) you treat him or her so goooood they’ll always want to come over and watch your babies. I lucked into finding a herd of lovely young women who cycle through to watch David when their schedules allow. My youngest unicorn comes by the first weekend of the month for three hours to have a dance party, complete with balloons. Yes, she brought actual balloons to entertain the tiny human with. Sophia is the one my son keeps begging Siri to Facetime (Sorry Sophia, we love you.) and makes time every school break she has to come hang out with her little buddy on her visits home. She’s actually due next week… Finally, my ginger mermaid is, alas, too busy this semester in between working two jobs and being a full time student to come visit but don’t think she hasn’t texted at least twice a week to check on him with promises of summertime fun time. How did I find them? These women were his camp counselors last summer who loved my son enough to say “Yes, please!” when I cautiously asked if they did babysitting on the side after camp was over.
In the end, we all want what’s best for our children and while I’m no parenting expert I have learned in these past three years that a well balanced momma leads to a well balanced home. I hope, today, you find a bit of balance.
Love,
Jess
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