Dear Tracy,

This #MommyMuseMonday I’d like to take a moment and thank you for being my friend and business partner. 

Its our first year in this journey and I look forward to the years to come building our village! 

With Love, 

Jess 

Dear Tracy,

As someone with a southern mother (HI MOM!), I identify completely with the concept that Food is Love. 

We used to joke that my grandmother would hear the creak of the screen door and shout “There’s cornbread in the oven and beans on the stove!” before we even managed a single step into the house.

She’d have our favorite treats waiting for us. My dad’s favorite breakfast of honey buns, my momma’s secret love of bologna with olives, nutty buddy bars for us kiddos, and always a pan of cornbread fresh from the oven. Look, southern cooking isn’t healthy, but love is fried chicken with gravy or lettuce and onions fresh from the garden with salt pork grease poured over the mess of greens and it is delicious. 

When Alvin came home from a deployment that had severe rationing going on, he came home having lost 20 pounds in a year… my love came in the form of roast beef, homemade rolls, and collard greens cooked with bacon. 

And, when I married Alvin, I was introduced to a completely new food culture. 

So, I learned how to make Nin-Goh for New Years, loaves of nia bao milk bread, winter melon soup with ham, his grandfather’s meatballs, and proper rice. Yes, I actually had to learn how to make rice in a rice cooker. Who knew there were other brands than Minute Rice? Or that rice came in 20lb bags?! I researched soy sauces, stuffed bao recipes, and even started researching on how to ferment duck eggs. 

And then…food allergies came into our life. 

When our son was six months old, he did what all little ones do: swipe a bite off mom’s plate of eggs and toast. 

Within 10 minutes (because we lived 5 minutes away from the hospital) we were in the emergency room. His arm looks so tiny next to the needle that saved his life.  And again two months later for the soy in Gerber’s “meat” sausages. 

Overnight eggs, cow’s milk, peanuts, and soy left our home. 

No one wants to draw blood from a two year old, but we had to. We were informed by an allergist contracted by the Army that our son was immune to ALL tree nuts since he was fine with almonds and at 18 months…

I nearly lost my kid over a cashew cookie. 

So, only almonds allowed. 

And I cried. I cried over nearly losing my child to anaphylactic shock. I cried for having to hold down my screaming toddler and jab him with an epi-pen to save his life. I shake every time I see the scar where the needle scraped his soft baby skin. And I cried so hard, Tracy, for all the things my kid couldn’t have. I cried for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Reese cups, pop tarts, thai peanut noodles, pecan pie, quiche, banana pudding, char siu bao, siu mai, guotie, bo lo nai wong bao, dantat Portuguese egg tarts, s’mores, my grandmother’s fudge, coconut bao, and on and on and on. 

When I was done crying, two weeks later, I picked myself back up and promised my two year old son I would do by best to ensure he didn’t feel the loss. And that starts with research. 

Research 

Research food companies and check every box you pick up to bring into your home. And here’s the important part: KEEP CHECKING IT. Redundant? Sure. But, a cookie company that made the only vanilla wafers I could give my son started making macadamia nut cookies on the same equipment and only started six months ago. Keep checking every box every single time. If you’re just starting, I know how overwhelming this feels. You’ve just been thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim. Yet. Give it a few months, it becomes habit, and instead you’ll be standing in the grocery store looking at a popsicle box muttering “Why are there the potential of peanuts in banana freakin’ popsicles?!”

If a company says they use tree nuts on packaging, call the company. I literally make a phone call about every month to the Guittard Chocolate Company. Their help line is very kind and those tree nuts? Almonds. Safe for my kid to have. I just called 4 days ago to confirm it’s still just almonds. And I’ll call again the next time I go to purchase a bag of white chocolate chips. 

Substitute

Fried rice gets made with coconut aminos. Chicken gets marinated in coconut amino teriyaki. Salmon gets basted in coconut amino garlic sauce. 

Almond milk is actually pretty delicious. Coconut yogurt goes great with Bob Mill’s Gluten Free Pancake mix (the only one without powdered eggs I could find when I began this journey). Flax makes a pretty good egg substitute in meatballs and it’s apparently a super food. Real maple syrup tastes waaaaay better than butter flavored corn syrup. And you may find some recipes that become your new favorites along the way. 

It’s going to take some experimentation, but in time? You’ll find what works for your family. Your kiddle won’t feel the deprivation because you’ll make sure they’re never deprived. Why? Well, because you’ll make from scratch what you can’t buy in the store. 

Make it from scratch 

Can’t have store bought cookies? That’s fine. Make a batch of my favorite chocolate chip cookies with chocolate chips from an allergy free company . 

Can’t go to Olive Garden for breadsticks? That’s fine. Make a batch of homemade breadsticks to go with sausage and potato soup. 

If you want it, make it, and you may find you prefer the taste of your homemade version. 

One last thing…

Class Treats

And if you’re a mom who has a kid with food allergies in your daughter or son’s class needing an inclusive special treat?

My favorite allergen friendly store bought cookies are a big hit in my son’s class for special days. In fact, everything from EnjoyLife foods is allergen free of the top 8 allergies. 

Or, let the other mother know when you’re bringing in cupcakes, because I’ve happily brought a cupcake for my kid to enjoy at other people’s birthday parties. Which is a much better alternative to everyone having cake but him. It’s up to us, as adults, to consider the safety of the children in our sphere of contact to lead the example for how our children should act. Food allergies are on the rise and many are life threatening. 

With Love, 

Jess

P.S. And if there’s something you’re wanting to make that you can’t find a recipe or safe substitution for? Leave a comment. I will help you research and share ideas with you. 

Dear Tracy, 

It’s #mommymusemonday! 

This week, I’d like to talk about the wife of one of my dad’s mentors and father figure: Susie. 

A quiet warrior in this life, one would never suspect the battles she has faced. An Army wife, a mother to a genuine confirmed Catholic miracle, and a friend to all…she inspires me every single day. 

Susie, regardless of her height, is like an oak tree who invites all she loves to rest in her shade, in her love.

Her son came home one day with my father and opened her heart to that gangly kid and loved him like her own. A love I knew how to give your sons, Tracy, because she led me by example.

My extended family has a tendency to play favorites. It should come as no surprise that I was not the favorite, but it wasn’t something I could understand the ‘why’ of growing up. You don’t think kids will notice, but we do. And we see you when you turn around and treat our children the same way. I have always felt that lack of love, but I do not feel its loss because of Susie. 

Susie opened her arms and loved me. 

Just loved me without conditions and without expectations. Just loved me with so much pure love. Her heart taught mine that family isn’t biological. It’s love. 

And then 30 years later turned around and loved my son just as deeply so he will never feel that loss either. I’m sobbing as I write this, because I feel as if I’m failing to note how important this woman is to me. How fundamentally important she is to the woman I am now. Her love has been a constant anchor in my life that has often felt so turbulent. Her front porch a welcoming sanctuary away from those who didn’t understand a bookish teenager with braces. Her kitchen an endless fountain of empathy and sweet ice tea. Her arms, her home, her heart has always been open and taught me by example to keep mine open as well. 

Army wife to Army wife, she empathizes with the trials of being alone for months at a time. What it means to teach your son to be a good man when your husband is away defending our country and freedoms. What it means to eat dinner alone. What it means to seek grace and gratitude in the washing of a dish after feeding your family together after months apart.  

So, this week…I’d like to recognize and thank my dear friend for her continuity and love that was born the day I was. I love you, Susie. Thank you.

Love,

Jess

Dear Tracy,

Do you remember your first mother’s day? I do. 

IT WAS AWFUL. 

The husband slept in and when he rolled out of bed, he shortly after rolled out the door to spend three hours in the gym with a buddy. Yes. That actually happened. Yes. I’m still married to him. 

I don’t know about you, but I did not marry my husband for his psychic abilities. Without laying out my expectations, but still having set a standard…I was doomed to disappointment. (And not just for Mother’s Day.)

Lay Out Expectations

I love my husband, but one our biggest issues come when I set a standard without discussing it with him and then get upset when I’m inevitably disappointed. We have differing opinions on what is common knowledge or what should be common sense. I’m not always right… However, when I very clearly state what my expectations are? He meets them and often exceeds them. Your partner wants you to be happy, but may need your help in achieving that. 

You want a card? You want a gift? You want breakfast in bed? You want to be alone in the house for four hours while you parade around in heels rocking out to explicit lyrics? (No? Just me? That’s fine…because “these is bloooody shoes”) Then, you’re going to have to say so. 

My first mother’s day, I listed my expectations after the fact. 

Incredulous (and let’s be honest: absolutely furious) that he was leaving the house to go to the gym for three hours that first mother’s day, I burst out into tears. And…then? Eviscerated him with words. How could you care so little about the fact that I endured a difficult pregnancy and went through intense induced labor to bring your son, your legacy, into this world?! You sleep in every weekend without a thought to me! I haven’t showered in three days! The one day…THE ONE DAY…I should be allowed to sleep in our son has been up since 0500 with me! And so on and so on forth until he left the house. Not a great Mother’s Day. 

Coming back…he brought a friend home that I was expected to cook lunch for and dashed into the back of our house leaving me to entertain our guest. Several minutes later, my husband emerged feeling triumphant with a birthday card he hastily scribbled into and a coach purse that I had been wanting but felt was too much of a splurge. A grand gesture, and one that I carry nearly every day in the summer. 

But, he needed me to spell it out. So?

Dear Jess,

Your last post, “If You Only Knew…”, really resonated with me. I’ve always struggled with fitting in or being “normal”. That feeling amplified after becoming a mom and seeing people’s social media posts about their kids. It became a subconscious competition. I put all this pressure on myself and my kids to accomplish so much more than we needed to because I was basing “normal” on everyone else’s best hits.

That’s why I challenge the concept of Mommy Goals and strive to think in terms of Mommy Muses instead.

To me, the term Mommy Goal is tethered to an end objective. I’ve played my comparison game in my head of what this other person is doing better than me and now I’m going to bust my butt model myself after them. To some degree it can be motivating but most of the time, I end up feeling more drained because what works for someone else may not work for our family.  Then, there’s the reminder of not meeting that goal every time you log into Facebook and there’s someone else easily achieving what you were hoping to accomplish– an adorable photoshoot, a sweet outing with the kids, or some cute Pinterest-y projects, to name a few. “Oh yeah,” I say to myself, “I was supposed to work on that and I completely dropped the ball.” Enter mommy guilt and this toxic mindset to put all these other people on pedestals and myself on the ground floor looking up.

In comparison, a Mommy Muse is someone you take inspiration from. Where you admire an aspect (or several) of how they parent and try to incorporate that into your parenting arsenal as well. There is no end goal and no deadline to finally become this perfect idea of what a mom should be. One day our inspiration can come from a celebrity we follow on Twitter. The next week we could try to model ourselves off of something our best friend did. It can even be a friend accomplishing something she’s been working hard at, like potty training her kiddo, and that infectious positive vibe motivating you to work harder at your own goals. 

We all are the best moms to our kids. We know their personalities, their ticks, their aversions, their obsessions. No one can parent your kid better than you—so let’s put ourselves on a pedestal first and look at the strengths of other moms around us to lift us up higher in areas where we don’t necessarily have a lot of experience in.

I know the term Muse vs. Goal may not seem like a big difference, but to me the semantics of putting myself first is empowering and helps ease the guilt I have on the days when I’m stress paralyzed and plop my toddler in front of a screen for more hours than I should. 

So here are my Mommy Muses in my life in no particular order: