Getting Out of “Mommy-Mode”

Dear Jess,

A few months ago when you came to me with this idea of starting Maternity Fraternity, I was a bit apprehensive. I had just given birth to my second son and finding the balance of being a mom to more than one kid while still recovering from my C-section, was already challenging. I didn’t answer your text until the next day because I was debating if I could handle taking on a project like this seriously. In the end, I realized that this project and my new year’s resolution of being better at getting out of “mommy-mode”, was a perfect fit.

I recently read an article about positive psychology that gave me some perspective on all those days where I felt like I was in a rut; when I felt like I didn’t want to “mom” anymore.

The human mind spends approximately 50 percent to 70 percent of its time in a mind wandering or daydreaming state.
-Eric Klinger, PhD, Daydream Researcher

I realized that I needed an outlet to express myself to another human being besides a toddler. I was spending too much time in my head– making to-do lists, meal planning, and wondering if I was making the right parenting decisions. It wasn’t a positive way to spend 50 to 70 percent of my time. I noticed that when I started to deliberately exist outside of my mommy role, I was able to live in the moment and be a more pleasant person to be around.

Here are some of the ways I got out of “mommy-mode” in the past few months:

Date Nights

This is an obvious way to shake off my mommy role– drop the kids off with a family member and have a few hours of fun. I’ve been lucky that after giving birth this time around, I had family that I trusted to watch the kids for a few hours while I escaped. I wasn’t so lucky with my firstborn and dates were few and far between for the first few years of motherhood.

These last few months, my husband and I have been making a point to schedule at least a date a month and to plan a date that wasn’t our go-to “movie and dinner” (unless that movie is Black Panther and then it’s perfectly acceptable to go to our fallback). With two kids and my husband working second shift, we hardly get time to talk without one of the kids interrupting us. We realized that sitting for 2 hours in the dark and then having a quick dinner wasn’t enough time for us to shed our parenting roles, and enjoy each other’s companies.

We’ve been together for about 13 years and this is the first point in our relationship where we’ve had to be deliberate with planning our time together. It’s been hard, but the payoff has been great. We spend the first part of our date debriefing each other on our parenting strategies and the second half battling each other at an arcade or taking a painting class.

Grocery Pick-Up

With a newborn, it was really hard for me to want to leave the house. What if he can’t fall asleep? What if he’s still hungry? What if he won’t stop crying?

But there were other human beings in the house that needed to be fed. Enter Kroger’s Clicklist.

I ordered everything I needed online at night after the kids went to bed, and even had time to look at their coupons to save more money. The next morning, I poured myself a giant cup of coffee and left the kids with my husband to pick everything up. In the car, I cranked up the music– the songs with ALLLL the naughty words.

Me, doing the kids-free car dance 

Once I was at the store, I got to enjoy my coffee and relax while they loaded up my car. I even snuck in an extra 10 minutes by not leaving the parking space right away. I look forward to my half hour of peace every week. I still feel productive but I also get to enjoy my relaxation time with no chance of interruption.

Post-Bedtime Relaxation

I used to make a list in my head of all the things that needed to be done after the kids went to bed. After bedtime, I’d stress myself out if I didn’t have the time to complete that list. This become very problematic once my second-born came into the picture. Bedtime didn’t always come at the same time every day and staying asleep wasn’t a guarantee either.

One day, my husband bought a Nintendo Switch and the new Zelda game. I started playing a bit and suddenly got addicted. I would look forward to the kids going to bed because that meant an hour or two with the Switch. I may not play the game very much anymore, but I loved the way I had time to relax instead of worrying about finishing a to-do list.

Now, I set more realistic post-bedtime goals. I do the chores that I need to complete for the next day to start smoothly– wash the dishes, fold some laundry, etc. And I let go of any notion of starting a new project or deep cleaning the playroom because, let’s face it, it’s just going to get messy again in 10 minutes the next day. I end the day by doing something that I look forward — even if that thing is just taking a nice, long hot shower.

Three ways that I shed my “mommy-mode”, isn’t very much but it’s a decent start after having a newborn. What are some ways that you get out of “mommy-mode”?

Love,

Tracy